Chapter 36 - Committing

Justin

Okay. It's back to my alternative universe theory. Cause this isn't happening. Emmett didn't just say this was my Commitment Ceremony. It's just not possible. It would mean that Brian – Mr I-don't-believe-in-marriage – is willing to tie the knot. Hook up with me. Exchange vows and fucking rings. And those things are just out of the question. The chances of him marrying me are just a little higher than the chances for snow in hell. Those papers were one thing, but an actual ceremony... No way! I can't remember how often he told me that he detested the mere idea of getting married. That he detested everyone entering into this imitation of a heterosexual union that by its very nature was doomed to fail. And now Emmett is welcoming me to my own fucking Commitment Ceremony. I don't think so. Right. How do you get out of an AU you don't want to be in? Biting the inside of my cheek only rules out the nightmare option and makes me want to jump up and down because it hurts. Shit! Maybe ... if I willed myself back to my world really, really hard...

"Justin? Come on, sweetie. I know it's a big surprise and all of that, but remember. We are on a schedule." Oh, why don't you go and fuck yourself, Emmett. I'm really not in the mood right now. But Em doesn't seem to give a shit. He draws me inside – the hall is bigger than our fucking house – and pushes me into what seems to be the drawing room. "Listen, Justin. I know this is all very sudden. But you know Brian, he always has to do things his way. And just this once, I understand him. He wanted this day to be special and all about..." he looks around to check if anyone is in hearing range, "...all about your love. And he wanted it to be a surprise." And what a surprise it is. It's worse than the fucking Twilight Zone. "When he first mentioned this whole thing, I thought he'd lost it. But he hasn't. I've never known him to be clearer, saner, more mature, pick one, about anything else. I never thought that he really realised just how well you two were suited, but I was wrong there. He does know. And that's what today is all about. He wants to show you that he knows, wants to tell you in front of your family that you are the One for him." That's fucking cheesy, even for Emmett.

I want to tell him that I don't need to hear Brian say anything, that words have never been our main form of communication. But then I realise that it's not entirely true. Not for one year and eleven days. Once I'd regained my sanity, something happened with him as well. He opened up, made himself vulnerable to an extent that sometimes scared me shitless. Because I finally got to see all the scars left on him by those fuckers who called themselves his parents. And the wounds that were still in the process of healing. Wounds inflicted by himself, and by me. Mostly by me. And he started to talk to me. It was painful, and there was more than one moment when I just wanted him to shut up and fuck me through the mattress or something. But I didn't stop him because I could see how he grew stronger with every conversation we were having, and fuck if I didn't learn a thing or two as well. And I was so proud of him. He fucking talked! And not only to me. He started to go to Kathleen, dragging me along at first, but later he had sessions without me. Of course he always claimed that he needed someone he could rant and rave to about a certain blond twink, but that was only show. It was one of those Brian Kinney things...

So Brian wants to tell me that I'm his partner in front of all the people we love. Wow. That's huge. Like – really huge. But if that's what he wants, then I want something, too. He fucking sprang this whole thing onto me, so... I want a proposal. Complete with him dropping to his knees and asking me for my hand in marriage. Or else his cock won't be seeing my ass for a long, long time. And his lovely backside will be sore, real sore. And somehow that sounds like landing the jackpot and I'm almost hoping that he'll have a fit when I tell him about my little idea. I smile a secret little smile and tell Em that I need to talk to my so-called fiancé, now! He bounces off, apparently thinking my using that particular term is a good thing. Oh dear, Em, you really don't know me at all. This is the time that I'll have Brian's balls, and he better enjoy every moment of it.

I drop down in one of the comfy armchairs that are scattered about the room and grin. Is there anyone amongst our friends who really knows me? Or do they all see the blond twink, little Justin who got bashed in the head, the boy who somehow managed to stake a claim on Brian's heart, an organ none of them ever thought he had in the first place? "Now what sort of depraved thing have you got up your sleeve?" Apparently there is one who understands where I'm coming from. I should have known. I showed him my more devious side the second night we met, when I called him on his following Brian like a puppy. When I asked him if it wasn't simply because he never got off that time they were drooling over Patrick Swayze. Since that night he knew that I was trouble for him, which was why he tried to get rid of me by means of snide remarks and name-calling and whatever else. And he knew, before I knew it myself, that Brian and I wasn't just about the fantastic sex. That Brian was in love with me. And he hated it. But more importantly, he hated me. Was jealous of me.

But after the bashing, his attitude changed, I think. And he really tried. The moments when the green demon took hold of him grew less and less, also thanks to Ben, and then when we started working on Rage... I really began to think of him as a friend. A fuck if he wasn't one. If it hadn't been for him and his meddling, I wouldn't be here right now. I might be with Ethan still, or some other loser who could never dream of comparing to Brian. Cause even though I could leave him, I could never get my heart back. That would have stayed with Brian forever. He had claimed it our first night – and no, it wasn't when he rammed his dick up my ass. It was that kiss, that first kiss that made me weak in the knees and strong in everything else. I finally knew where I belonged – with whom I belonged – and that was that. I gave him my body and my heart, to do with them whatever he saw fit, and despite the pain I felt once in a while, it was the best damn decision of my life. But I'm digressing.

Michael plops down in a chair opposite of me, and smirks, "You won't let him get off the hook, will you. Not easily at any rate." He shakes his head, "Well, neither would I. Neither will I come to think of it. Cause he told everyone and their dog, but didn't think of telling his best fucking friend. That's just fucked, isn't it?" I guess. "But he probably thought I'd run to you as soon as I could..." And isn't that God's own truth? Cause Mikey would have been dying to tell me. He's so predictable. "You know, everyone is acting like this is such a big deal, which it is to a certain extent, but then again, it's not. You two have been married for almost a year now because for you and Brian those papers were of greater importance than rings or vows could ever be. It's just a part of your highly unconventional relationship..." And that's the fucking understatement of the Millennium. "And it just goes to show that my dearest friend really grew up. Because he realised that, once in a while, you do need some romantic gestures ... just like most of us do. We might be fags, but that doesn't mean we are fuck-machines. That's where he went wrong all along. We are human and he finally noticed that as well – thanks to you."

He smiles and gets up, mumbling along happily while approaching me, "I'm really happy for the two of you. You've come a long way, helped each other when things got dire, and I've never been prouder of my best friends," he really said friends, "than I am right now." Then he leans down and I'm back in the fucking Twilight Zone because he kisses me. On the mouth. Like he does Brian all the time. He draws back a little and whispers, "Don't let him get out of this too easily, Justin. He deserves a little punishment for what he did to us." Yeah, sure. Us. And then he smiles again, and kisses me again, and I think this would be the perfect moment to wake up because I'm not sure how much more I can take. But I don't wake up. And his lips are really pressing against mine, and I hear him. I hear him telling me that he's sorry for all the shit he pulled, for all the times he belittled me and hurt me. And I hear him say that he's really happy for Brian and I, and that I'm his friend now, too. That it took him a little while to see things for what they are, but that he's finally accepted them.

"Michael Charles Novotny! Get your hands off my fiancé or I'm telling the professor." Mikey just shrugs and gives Brian his "I dare you" look before kissing me once more. Fuck! And then Brian's there, dragging Mikey away by his ear, "Cut the crap, Mikey. I know you need a while to get things into that thick head of yours..." Um, is he sure he's not talking about himself here? "...but Justin's mine! Mine! And I don't share. So get back to Zen-Ben and leave Sunshine to me. You couldn't handle him anyway." Hey! What's that supposed to mean? "So get the fuck out of here, okay? Or face the consequences..." Uh-oh. That's really and truly a threat, and I've no doubt – no doubt whatsoever – that Brian would make true of his word. Mikey realises that as well, and nods at Brian before smiling apologetically. Then he scampers off, and Brian and I are finally alone. Good. "Now, Emmett told me you wanted to see me, Sunshine. What will it be? Oh, and I should tell you that we only have twenty minutes before the ceremony. Father Tom is needed at his church, you know..."

You don't say. I did notice that it was Easter, thank you very much. "Alright then, let's cut to the chase, shall we?" I smile sweetly, and he knows that it's no good sign at all. No shit. "So you thought it would be fun to just spring this on me, yes? Something as important as this... Something that will have an impact on my entire life..." I'm going to disregard that signing those contracts about a year ago left an even bigger impression on my life than a little ceremony ever could. "Well, think again." Okay, I'm not really pissed off, but that doesn't mean I have to let him know that, does it? He just brought this upon himself and I'm going to let him suffer a little bit. He's biting his lower lip and I've to hid my grin. "Honestly, Brian. What the fuck were you thinking? That I would fall over myself because you want to marry me? The kid you met two and a half years ago might have, but things are different now." Yeah, right. "I want to do this properly..." He gazes at me questioningly. "I want a fucking proposal. You know – the real thing..."

He glares. "You've got to be fucking kidding me! Not going to happen, Sunshine. I'm not some lovesick hetero who wants the love of his life to tie the knot with him..." Oh, aren't you? I arch my eyebrow, and that only sets him off more. "Justin, stop it! Now! It's not going to happen. You will either get your head out of your ass and do what everyone expects of you now," I see. I'm the asshole here. Some logic... "Or we can just call the whole thing off." And that is so very Brian that it's scary. And it shows just how nervous he really is. But I'm not in the mood to feel sorry for him. And I don't want to be the smart and mature one right now. How does he manage it? He screws up and suddenly I'm the one to blame for it all. Well, fuck that! And fuck him!

---

Brian

Shit! I shouldn't have said that. I know I shouldn't have. It's just... This is really happening. We are really going to get married. Fuck! It's not like I'm having second thoughts, no. I still want this, want him to be by my side. But I'm still... "You know what? Fine! Let's call the whole thing off. I mean – fuck you, Kinney – don't you think I should have known about this? Huh? This is so much more than I ever dared to hope for, but somehow, it's gone sour. So, let's just call it off. It's for the best, I'm sure..." He turns to the doorway, and I fear that if he walks out on me now, that's it. The one thing we can't get over. Worse than all the shit I put him through, worse than the fucked-up situation with the fiddle fuck. And fuck if I let that happen. He already is my fucking husband in everything but name, and this day was supposed to be about us and our fucking relationship. Our love! There! I said – or rather thought – it. And I didn't have a stroke.

I latch onto his arm and spin him around again. We have a staring match, and finally I ask, "So, do you want to marry me or not?" He doesn't answer for about an hour – or maybe it's just a few moments, I couldn't really tell. And then he just shrugs and puffs out the breath he'd been holding. This is exactly why I didn't want to ask him. Apart from the fact that I was afraid he might turn me down. Yes, I – Brian Fucking Kinney – was afraid that my partner would turn down my proposal. Why? Well, because he was there when I said all the shit about marriage and not believing in it. He might have thought I was doing this just for him. Which is total bullshit. As if I'm ever doing anything I don't want to. I draw him closer, and suddenly we're in the middle of a make-out session, and he's whispering "Yes" against my lips and I'm about to undo his zipper when Jennifer walks in on us. Oh fuck!

"Oh God! I'm sorry. I just... I came to get you. You know. It's time. And..." Justin buries his face against my shoulder, clearly mortified. Well, it's not like this is the first time she becomes privy to what we do when we're alone – or in the backroom at Babylon, or the bathroom at Woody's, or my office... I make a little remark about her looking utterly adorable when she blushes, which earns me two outraged cries of "Brian!" and Jen flees the scene. As for Justin... He looks like he's ready to crawl under a big rock and just die there. Well, Sunshine. I hate to break it to you, but your mother isn't completely dense and knows perfectly well that we don't play chess in bed. Or wherever else we feel like... You get the picture. Jennifer knows that her little baby is a grown man – a gay man at that – and that there are certain things a gay man engages in. And at one point she even saw it. But I don't think he wants to hear about that right now. So I just straighten his clothes – and mine – and draw him into the Den of Evil, also known as the conservatory. We thought it would be a nice place to do this, even though we had to get rid of almost half of the plants because of Justin's allergies.

It's common knowledge that I hate to congratulate anyone for their accomplishments – hell, I hardly ever do it when it comes to Justin! – but I've to hand it to Emmett. He fucking outdid himself. And I'll be so glad when all of this is over and I can go back to being me. Fucking lezzy vibes! Jen is waiting for us and snatches Justin away from me – not for long, Mommy. Soon he'll be almost-legally mine. I walk down the aisle – and I wasn't lying when I said that we weren't going to march down the aisle like a pair of lesbians, at least up to this point – and take my place next to Mikey. "You know ... the moment you even look at the door, Ben's going to tackle you. The only way for you to leave this room is in wedlock. So spare yourself the broken ribs and just accept your fate." He grins and I'm seriously wondering why he's been my best friend for so long. He's an evil little fucker. I think he took lessons with Justin. Oh fuck!

Linz is telling Gus to wait until it's his turn, and I have to smile down at him. He's so proud to be carrying the rings, there was nothing else he talked about ever since I told him this morning. And Daphne is beaming. Well, of course she is. She's obviously hoping for another earth-shattering kiss, and maybe I'll feel generous later on. Got to keep my fans happy and entertained. And then the music starts – no, not the fucking Wedding March, but some harp-shit that once was the Air from Bach's third Orchestra Suite. The fucking girls took that decision from my hands and refused to give it back. Shit! My eyes meet Justin's, and I swear he was never more beautiful – help, I'm turning into a lesbian – than he is today. Even thought he's more of a rain-cloud again. But somehow his tears only enhance his eyes, and I guess Linz was right when she told me recently that I'm a lost cause. Brian Kinney allows himself to be happy, to be in love. Any signs of Death, War, Pestilence and Famine yet?

Jen and Justin have finally reached us, and I take the hand of my personal twink from his mother. I bite my lower lip just to make sure that this is real and not just a nightmare. Unfortunately – or maybe fortunately – it hurts, so this is really happening. I'm not really paying any attention to what Father Tom is saying until he comes to the vow-business and it's my turn to make a complete idiot of myself. What the fuck have I been thinking? I guess I was stoned out of my fucking mind when I came up with this idea. It surely seemed to be just glorious. Well, not anymore. All eyes are on me, and Michael is nudging me. Okay, here it goes. "I think we can all agree that this is fucking unbelievable, right?" Everyone's chuckling and it gives me a few seconds to pull myself together. 'You can do it, Kinney. You want to do it!' Right.

"You are, without doubt, the most obnoxious and unnerving twink I've ever met, but I guess that made you the perfect partner for me. You didn't give a fuck about my bullshit," I catch Linz' disapproving glare and almost laugh when she covers Gus' ears with her hands. "On the contrary. You gave almost as good as you got, and drove me crazy. You made me throw aside my precious rules, even made me accept yours – though it was obvious that you were brain-dead when you made them up. On that note..." I have to clear my throat, and I feel him holding onto my hands tightly, "...you gave me the fright of my life two years ago, I hope you know that. I swear I aged about five years that single night. But it also drove one message through my thick skull. I don't want to lose you, ever." Okay, this is getting mushy, so better finish up. "I once told you that I didn't believe in love, only fucking. Well, you showed me how nice it can be to combine the two," I catch his eyes, "how nice it can be to make love. I love you, Justin. Always have, always will." Mikey snickers, and I breathe a relieved sigh because that's done with.

Now it's up to Justin to drag this all into the mawkish gutter he and Linz and Emmett, and sometimes even Mikey, seem to love so much. Speaking of love... "Brian. You were my first lover and my first love," I just knew it, "and from now on, you will be the only one I belong to." Well, if you want to stay in one piece, I strongly suggest that you keep to this very smart resolution. "It wasn't easy to get you here," He got me here? Somehow our versions of the events seem to differ quite a bit. "...but I always knew we'd make it eventually." I give him my patented frown and he concedes, "Okay, almost always. At first, I was the little twink who wouldn't leave you alone like he should. And then, after the bashing... Things were pretty fucked-up then, weren't they? But we pulled through, thanks to our family and friends." I know he means Mikey, and I'm fucking proud of Mr Novotny right now. "As for scaring you out of your mind – you did the same to me last year. But somehow, it doesn't matter anymore, does it? We are here now, surrounded by those we hold dear," I feel like barfing right now, "and I still can't really believe that you did all this. I love you, Brian. And as you put it – always have, always will."

He grins even though his eyes are welling. And I wish we could get done here so I can show him exactly why we're here. The Father does his usual Will you take this man to be your wedded husband shit and I'm saying "I do" because Ben is smirking at me. It's Gus' moment then, and he is so proud when he steps up to hand us the rings. I can see Justin's confusion because the ring fits – well, it should – and I know that he'll demand some answers later on. Well, that's alright with me. And then Father Tom pronounces us husband and husband in the eyes of the church if not the law, and that's it. The Stud of Liberty Avenue and the King of Babylon have gotten married, and it will be up and down our little gay world in next to no time. "Um, Brian?" What the fuck does Tom want now? "I said you may kiss your spouse." Oh, yeah. Right. I reach out to run my hand down Justin's cheek, leaning in to kiss him, softly at first but then more passionately until Mel tells us to get a fucking room.

She drags Justin away from me, and suddenly Daphne's all over me, hugging and kissing. "You know, if you ever hurt him again, I'm going to kill you." Alright then. "I'm so happy for the two of you." Oh will you cut it out? After Daph, it's Jen's turn, and then Deb's, and Mikey's. And I think that by the time the hug-fest is over, I've been hugged by almost every queer in the State. Justin doesn't fare any better, and suddenly I have this urge to get away, if only for a few minutes. One hour tops. So I drag him away, calls of "Brian" following us up the stairs. But I don't give a shit. I want to fuck! Preferably my husband. So I push him into the first guestroom we find, and I think the bed is too far away, so I'll just have to take him up against the wall. He seems to be able to read my mind because he leans against the door, beckoning me to come closer. I do, attacking his mouth and shirt at the same time – his jacket is already lying on the floor because he shrugged it off as soon as we got here.

Moments later, he thrusts his ass onto my fingers, fucking himself on them. And then I'm in him – in my husband – and his bubble butt is still the best place to be in the entire world, and neither of us can draw this out, and we don't really want to. After all, everyone's waiting for us, and we are already terrible hosts, so... He's coming all over my fingers, and I join him after a few more thrusts. He slumps against the door, pulling me with him, and for minutes we can only try to get our breathing back to normal. He draws my left hand up to his face to kiss and inspect the platinum band that now sits upon my ring finger. Then he murmurs, "I love you, Brian. I love you." And I'm responding in kind. This is just fucked, and I'm a dyke, a married dyke at that, but I couldn't care less. For the first time in my life everything is just perfect, and I'm not even going to start thinking that it's too good. That it can't last. It can and it will if we want it to.