Notes: If you're interested, I can give you the recipe for the lovely Sweet and Sour Chicken Justin made for himself and Brian ;) It's one of my favourite dishes, so I just had to force it onto the two...

Chapter 4 - Healing

Brian

It's almost eight when I stumble back into the loft. All I want now is something to fill that empty pit, formerly known as my stomach; and Justin. I'm too tired to even notice how lesbian a thought this is. All I know is that I'll feel better as soon as I feel his arms around me and he smiles at me. Naturally, I don't get what I need cause the little shit isn't home. For a moment I panic, wondering if last night was just a dream, but then I remember his fucking evening class. So it will be an hour yet before he gets here. An hour until I can tell him to get his stuff together and apply for an internship.

Gardner was fucking relieved when I told him about my idea cause he had also noticed how fucked up things were down in Arts. And when I said that I might know someone who could start pretty much immediately, I swear he almost hugged me. Now, how to break it to Justin without giving him the impression that I either want to run his life, or want him with me constantly. I'm not sure which would be worse, but I do know that neither is true. 'Yeah, go on fooling yourself, Kinney.'

It's just that he needs the practical experience, and we need help, desperately. Those boards still weren't done properly when I left, and I fear that there will be bloodshed soon. Those fuckers need someone like Justin around, someone with a fucking brain! Okay, so maybe I also want to have him near me, especially now, but that's beside the point. Anyway, it will show him that I don't mind having him around, that I won't push him away anymore, or at least that I'll try not to. Cause I can't make any promises. I'm still Brian Fucking Kinney, and I don't react very nicely to any changes in my life. But maybe ... for him...

I shake my head to dispel those thoughts and walk over to the machine. Two new messages. The first is from Jen – for me. She tells me that she's really happy – we seem to have a theme here, boys and girls – and that I should hold on to Justin. Yeah, like I need her to tell me that. But that's Jennifer, my fucking mother-in-law, and I know she only means well. The second is for Justin, from Mikey. He has this great idea and... Here we go again. I swear if I didn't know that Mikey is completely smitten with the professor I'd start to worry. As it is I'm just fucking grateful that my best friend has finally come around. It's still spooky though, and if I feel this way, I'm wondering just how confused my little Sunshine is.

Anyway, with nothing to do but wait, I grab a shower and prepare yesterday's leftovers for the microwave. Fuck, I'm turning domestic and I can just feel my dick go soft – I mean real soft. I think I'll make that little asshole do something about that since it's his fault after all.

I'm just on my way to the sofa to watch the news or something when everything – the past few days that is – comes crashing down on me, almost sending me to my knees. Fuck! I had really lost him, even before the Rage party. That night when he came home – came back from him – and he stood at the foot of the bed as if wondering whether he was still welcome. Now I know that I lost him that very night cause I didn't listen to my heart that was screaming at me to tell him – anything really. That I was proud of him, how I was looking forward to celebrating Rage with him... But instead I just held him and felt it all come undone at the seams. I never slept that night. As soon as he was asleep, I started crying like I had done that night almost a year ago. There were no sobs that could have woken Justin, just quiet tears that wouldn't stop. It was in that night that I first really admitted it to myself. Yes, I loved Justin, more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I think, I even whispered those famous three words at some point. But they fell on deaf ears. As always, my epiphany had come too late ... well, at least I thought so while clinging to my sleeping lover.

Then the night of the Rage party... There were daggers piercing my heart when I saw Justin with Ian. And I knew that I had to end it, on my own terms. Cause I simply couldn't stand the pain any longer. So I severed those last ties, tearing out my fucking heart in the process. But it didn't matter since I was sure I wouldn't be needing it anymore. That night, Justin's sweater kept me grounded while that black hole in my chest tried to suck me in. The morning after, yesterday morning, I felt so empty. Even my Brian Fucking Kinney mask kept sliding from my face as soon as I saw Justin at the diner. At work, I was simply going through the motions, glad to be able to steal away sooner than usually. Which turned out to be a damn good idea.

Finding the keys in my mailbox killed something in me, and while I was on the elevator, thinking I'd find the loft empty, I had these thoughts that I don't wish to recall. I just felt robbed ... of my safe place, my cult shrine to Brian Fucking Kinney – the Stud of Liberty Avenue. At some point, it had become our home and now, with him gone... And then he was there, and I can hardly remember anything that was said during those first minutes. But I know that I started believing again as we were lying on the sofa, in the same place I'm sitting in right now. I don't mean the fucking, but the cuddling that followed... Cuddling?! Did I really just think about this post-coital bliss as cuddling? Fuck it all! Justin Taylor has managed something even Herakles would have failed at – he turned me into a fucking dyke! And the worst thing is that I don't really care. Now how pathetic is that?

At some point I guess I fell asleep – well, realising what I had become, thanks to the little shit, must have knocked me out. Anyway, the first sound I hear as I return to the land of the living is his fucking stomach, grumbling like there's not just one but two lions inside the slender body. And as I crack my eyes open what do I see? "What's wrong with you, Justin? Do you need to see a doctor?" I have to grin at his confused look. "Well, you drew me while I was still very much dressed..."

---

Justin

I breathe a relieved sigh when the elevator stops and it's only a few more steps and then I'm home. The day had been taxing, and I'm not only referring to the ongoing Ethan-drama. The meeting with Mikey had also been challenging – in a good way. The next issue will be great and maybe I can convince Brian to re-enact some of the Rage / JT scenes. That would be – interesting to say the least. I have to smile at the warm feeling that comes over me as soon as I open the door to the loft. It feels like we've been like this forever, like it's not only been a little over 24 hours.

After leaving Mikey, I took a moment to think about what had happened in the short span of a single day. And I only just managed to keep from bouncing the way Emmett had at the diner. The arrogant asshole really loves me! I hug myself cause even now that I'm home again it all feels like a dream. I'm wondering if Bri will be back any time soon when I hear a soft ... was that a snore? Anyway, the sound had come from the sofa, so I go investigate. My heart skips a beat at the sight before me. I shrug out of my jacket and begin to search my backpack frantically until I hold a pencil in my right and a sketch-book in my left hand. My stomach is growling at me, but it will have to wait cause this is so much more important. He's so beautiful that it takes my breath away. His face is completely relaxed and all those masks he feels he has to wear have fallen away. He is so vulnerable right now, and so trusting. I think there's only a handful of people he'd ever allow to see him like this. And I'm one of them.

I'm doing my best to catch the beauty of this moment, try to preserve it on paper. Of course I'm failing miserably cause there's just no way I could ever do him justice. Fuck, was there really a time that I thought of Ethan as gorgeous? Okay, maybe he is – to anyone but me. I was such a bloody fool, a blind one on top of everything else. I shake my head and have to smile at my own stupidity. Thank God for Mikey. If it hadn't been for him, I'd still be in denial. Brian wouldn't have done anything to stop me because ... well, I'm going to get those stupid ideas out of his head, and if it takes forever. I don't think he has the slightest clue how happy he makes me, right now for example. And how much I love him, even with all his flaws. Hell, maybe I love him because of them. I gaze at the drawing, and it's okay I guess. I mean ... nothing I sketch or paint will ever come close to the original so this will have to do.

He's stirring now and would have woken anyway even if my stomach hadn't chosen that particular moment to growl at me yet again. It's so sweet – and Brian never does sweet – but the way he slowly opens his eyes, revealing their hazel depths to my gaze ... there's just no better word for it. Then of course he sees what I've been up to and he makes one of his patented Brian Kinney comments, but that's okay. I see right through him and know how much this means to him cause it's been ages since he modelled for me, asleep or not. Maybe I was just afraid to see him, believing that I didn't really deserve anything even remotely bordering on happiness.

Fuck, my brain must have been fried when Hobbs took that bat to my head. Anyway, I just grin at him and tell him that I might need an appointment with Dr Kinney, and he smirks. Then I lean in and purr, "So what's for dinner, dear?" And I can't believe my luck cause he doesn't kill me then and there. He just glares and raises himself to his elbows, nodding towards the kitchen. I walk over – after kissing him 'hello' – and find the rest of yesterday's Sweet and Sour Chicken in the microwave. He even thought of the rice – Oh my God, Mr Kinney! Carbs after seven?!

I hear him move behind me and then his arms are around me and he asks, "So how was your day, honey?" I snicker and turn in his embrace. I just have to kiss him again, and our tongues are still sliding against each other when the microwave beeps, heralding the coming of food.

---

Brian

I can't believe that I didn't strangle him after he called me 'dear'. I'm so fucking screwed. And now I find myself smiling at him again as he leans back against his chair, clearly happy now that the monster's been fed. Then he surprises me by saying, "Knowing how Debbie can never keep her mouth shut about things you probably already know that Ethan came to the diner today." I slowly nod and reach across to grasp his hand. This whole Ian-thing must hurt him, even though he's not showing it. "I really tried to make him understand but... I think he doesn't really want to hear what I have to say, and maybe he never did. Unlike you." Now he's smiling and I squeeze his hand. I can't believe how pathetic the fucking fiddler is.

He's still smiling when he clears the table and puts the bowls and stuff into the washer. If someone had told me last week that I'd be sitting here today, enjoying domestic life, they'd have found themselves in a strait-jacket soon after. But here I am, with no intention of heading to Babylon or something like that. We are both too fucking tired for that. And then there's still all that talking-shit... And why couldn't I keep from thinking that, cause suddenly there's his voice again, driving away the lesbian thoughts I'm thinking, and for a moment I'd rather keep on being a dyke than having to listen to him. "Bri ... before you left the diner this morning, you ... you said 'later' and, I don't know, I think you've said it before ... I just can't place it." I start to tremble. So this is it. Shit.

I take his hand and lead him to the sofa, pushing him down. Then I grab the Beam and two glasses and pour both of us a drink. I sure as hell will need it. I drop down next to him and hand him his glass. Staring down into the amber liquid, I begin, "I wish I hadn't sent you away..." The way his hand is searching mine tells me that he knows what I'm talking about. "I wish you could remember, Justin. Not so much the dance but what happened in the garage before..."

I have to stop for a moment, because suddenly I'm there again, and I'm screaming his name – Justin – and he turns with this smile on his lips, just before the bat connects with his temple. My gaze falls on our hands, fingers entwined. And somehow this gives me the strength to continue. "You said it was the best night of your life. And for a moment there I almost responded in kind. But in the end I just said something about it being ridiculously romantic." His fucking allergies have caught up with me again, but I don't care. "The way you looked at me, like you really saw me... I think that was when I knew that I had to try to make this work." He raises my hand to his lips, kissing it. "Then we kissed and... I let you go. If I hadn't..."

His arms come around me then, and he takes my glass away from my shaking hands. He's holding me tightly, and I feel myself clinging to him, just like I did that night when he was lying there on the cold cement... No no no no no no ... God! It was all my fault, despite his claims to the contrary. How could I forget, if only for a moment, that I didn't deserve this kind of happiness. That no matter how hard I tried, I'd never be able to keep something good all to myself. I want to push him away then, cause I'm simply not safe for him and he will be hurt again, by me or someone else, it doesn't matter. But he won't let me.

There are tears in his voice, but it's still so strong and sure, "No, Brian. Whatever you're thinking – just no. You're wrong. It wasn't your fault. Whatever he told you, you deserve this. You are worth being loved." For a second, he stops, unsure if it's safe to say the words. But then he takes a leap of faith. "I love you. And I won't let you push me away again. I'll hold on, cause I know that you feel the same." And I do, I'm just too fucked up to tell him, when he's not asleep that is. "You saved me – that night and later as well. I was so scared – of everything. And you were the only thing that seemed real at that time. You helped me so much, you gave me back my art for fuck's sake!"

I'm sniffling, fuck... "It was the only thing I could do. After all, it was my..."

"Say that again and I'll kick you so hard that you won't be able to walk for a week! It wasn't your fault. All you did was try and give me something special. So stop it. Cut the crap and just accept that not everything is your fault, that this was something out of your control! You didn't give Hobbs a hand-job, you didn't flaunt your sexuality at him every time you could. I did all those things! Yeah, maybe it was seeing us together at the Prom that made him get that bat, but we'll never know that."

For some reason, he's suddenly chuckling lowly, "And even if that was the reason, I still wouldn't want to change a thing. Cause even if I can't remember it, I know that it was one of the most important things that ever happened on our way to this." And he kisses my cheek as he slowly forces my head up until our eyes meet. "We deserve this, you and I. So you better start believing it, Kinney, cause I won't go away."

Once again I hear Jack laughing at me, but then there's Justin's voice, telling him to shut up. Surprisingly, he does. Now what does that mean? Other than that I'm completely cracked and should see a shrink. My hands are mapping his face, and I lean in to brush a soft kiss on his right temple. There's no blood, not anymore. He's here, he's alive, and I can finally let go. He looks so free now, like a great weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Fuck, I should have known. Why didn't I make him talk about this before? Oh yeah, right. Because I thought that I'd break down completely. Like I did that night. "I'm sorry, Justin. I had to be strong, and I feared that..."

How does he do it? He knows exactly what I'm talking about even though I hardly do myself. "I know. And you were right, I guess. Not in thinking that you'd have lost all your strength, but... I don't know, I think with all the rehab and stuff, and not being able to remember anything... I don't know if I could have survived a talk like this one back then. I only wish you had told me..." I nod, gazing into those beautiful blue eyes. I guess I was just a bloody coward, didn't want him to know how pathetic I really was. And I failed to see what he needed most. The reassurance that I ... cared. I don't think I ever really gave him that. Cause I did my utmost to lock my feelings somewhere inside of me, and unfortunately he simply couldn't see it. I open my mouth, but he stops me before I can say even one word. "No, Brian. No more apologies. Not now at any rate..."

And he's right. I mean, just look at me. I'm fucking crying! And I let him see me like that. Fuck! So I just take his hand again, and draw him with me up the steps and before I know it we're on the bed, and he's kissing me like he wants to convince me that he's really there, that I haven't lost him. When he's finally drawing back to catch his breath, he's flushed and his lips are swollen and I wish I could just be the man he seems to see in me still, and just tell him. But then his fingers cover my lips, "Shhh, it's okay. I know. I know." Then his fingers are replaced by his lips again, and he's unbuttoning my shirt, and all I can do is hold on.

Soon our bodies are sliding together, and fuck, but it's hard not to start crying again. 'Kinney, what the fuck is wrong with you?' He's reaching for the lube and a condom, and I suddenly know what I need... I need him, and isn't that a scary thought? But it's still true, and maybe he was right after all and I can afford to need him. Jack is quiet, so I'm growing a little more confident. I stop his hand that's just about to place the condom on my cock. "Put it on..." I don't say anything else but he knows what I mean, what I need. He reaches for a pillow and I raise my hips so he can push it under me. Then there's a lubed finger at my hole, and I sigh and close my eyes because it feels so fucking good. But I need more, more than the two fingers that are now stretching me.

As I open my eyes again, I see him smile once more. And then he's pushing into me, and I force myself to keep my eyes open this time, to let him see past all the walls I put up around me. 'I love you, Justin.' And the little shit gives me one of his Sunshine smiles as if he can read my mind and has heard... Maybe he has.

---

Justin

I can't believe that he is so brave, and doesn't even know it. And fuck, I could kill his father if he wasn't dead already. Jack Kinney, who'd done a brilliant job at making his only son believe that he was worth nothing. Who beat the shit out of him whenever he felt like it. And still Brian survived, lived to become the wonderful man he is now. The man who still thinks that Jack was right, but maybe I could make him begin to doubt...

That he's letting me top him again after this morning's little, well, accident ... it's just one of the things that show me that he's not the coward he thinks he is. I'm slowly moving out of him, only to push back in, and I feel the tears clouding my vision ... shit! He surprises both of us when he pulls my head down, and tenderly kisses all traces of my allergies away. And suddenly I know what this reminds me of. That first night we were together again, after Gus' birthday party and my freaking out cause I finally remembered the bashing.

This time it's he who needs to be reassured, and I think I'm doing a fair enough job at it cause he's beginning to gasp whenever I hit his prostate. Wrapping my hand around his cock, I make sure to give him as much pleasure as possible, and fuck, he's shaking again, and his eyes are welling. But he's smiling, so open and trusting, and I don't know why but I'm suddenly erupting within him and he tumbles over the edge after me.

As soon as I have caught my breath, I whisper, "Trust this, Brian, trust us." He nods, and that's when I know that we have really weathered this. Okay, there's still the stuff with Ethan, but I don't have enough energy to care just now. I know that there are still some things that I have to drag to the surface. And one of those is his childhood. Cause other than Mikey, Deb and Vic, no one really knows. And I think there are still things that eat away at him cause he never told anyone. Well, he doesn't know it yet, but he will tell me. Because I'm his fucking partner, if he wants to admit it or not. And because he deserves to let go.

I get rid of the condom, and when I turn to meet his gaze again, he's smiling once more – no, it's really a grin. Uh-ohh. "I almost forgot to tell you something, Taylor." He sits up and crosses his arms over his chest. "I have a business proposal for you." What? Another one? First Linz and now Brian? "Actually, it's more an order really. Cause I've no intention of running crazy any time soon." What the fuck is he talking about? "I seem to remember that you need some practical experience for your degree, and Vanguard needs someone with a brain in Arts. So, you will get your shit together and apply for an internship. Did I make myself clear?"

He wants me to do what? An internship? At Vanguard? Ok, they are the best in Pittsburgh, but that's not the point. Does this mean that he wants me around, or is it just that he's so desperate to find someone to help out that he's even turning to me. He sighs and rubs his eyes, "Now don't damage that nice head of yours by thinking about this too much. It means nothing that you don't want it to mean."

Well, I want it to mean that he wants me there, that he wants to spend both day and night with me, that I'm not just his lover, but his equal in this relationship-thing that we have going here. I grin, falling back into behaviour patterns of my high school days. "You so care about me, Mr Kinney. So much that you want me to work for you." He smirks, knowing that I'm just teasing him.

And suddenly he's got me pinned to the bed, his eyes darkening as his cock is growing hard against my thigh. "Yes, I want you there. Because I thought it's really getting old, us having our emotional breakdowns on that couch over there. Maybe we should try the one in my office for a change." And then he kisses me and despite being still a little sore I welcome him into my body as if it's been ages, and not just 20 or so hours. He takes me hard and fast, and is still gentle and considerate of my poor abused ass. I smile at him cause we can finally move on and get past the fucking bashing, and start healing.