Chapter 43 - Best When Served Cold

Brian

Last night was for shit. Justin was lying on the far side of the bed, claiming that he didn't want to tempt me ... which was totally fucked, and he knew it. After all, I can get an instant hard-on just from thinking of him. Something that usually fills him with just a tiny little bit of glee. So it was pretty obvious that something else was up. And no, I'm not talking about his cock. He actually fell for my I'm-already-asleep act. Which is never a good sign. But it was just as well because he started to shake like a fucking leaf, silent sobs racking his whole body. And there was nothing I could do. He'd chosen not to share this with me, didn't want me to see how scared he'd really been. Because there was quite a big chance that I'd react in typical Brian Kinney fashion. Like I did earlier. I was lying awake almost the entire night, listening as his breathing slowly evened out and he slipped into unconsciousness. And I held my breath when he turned in his sleep and wrapped himself around me.

He'd been so fucking strong, calling me on my shit, stopping me from thinking that I somehow deserved... And all the while he'd been hurting. I'd acted like ... like the old Brian would have. The Brian who was fighting these feelings, the Brian who was constantly pushing Justin away while pulling him closer at the same time. Shit! It's not like our relationship revolves around fucking – it never did. Then why ... why did I have to act like the biggest freak in existence? It only took me the better part of an hour to figure it out. Because it was easier, that's why! Easier for me, that is. I couldn't deal with ... with Justin. Because I'm a self-centred shit! It took another hour to come to the conclusion that that was fucking bullshit. Cause I'm not. Not anymore... If I was, he wouldn't be here now. Cause he's too smart to stay with someone who put his own needs above everyone else's. If I was, he wouldn't be wearing my cowry-shell bracelet, one of Brian Fucking Kinney's former trademarks. And he certainly wouldn't have a platinum ring on his left hand.

By the time the alarm goes off, I realised that I had indeed wanted to make it easier... But not for me. When I got out of Dr. Franklin's office, I was too shocked to do anything besides getting the hell out of there. I barely even saw Justin. I felt as if I'd been granted another chance, and I'd been so fucking sure... It was a little overwhelming, really. And later, in the car... I simply didn't want him to freak out completely. And he had been on the best way to do just that. So I acted like the jerk I once was, pretending that all I cared about was my dick. Cause I thought he'd be able to handle that – and usually he can, even in his sleep if necessary. I couldn't break down on him, couldn't heave that upon him. I really thought that was the wisest course of action since it would give both of us some time to collect ourselves. Well, it didn't work out that way... Fuck! For someone who doesn't do regrets I'm pretty damn good at it. How the fuck did I manage not to see how upset he truly was? He said as much in the car – or so I think since I wasn't really paying attention...

Damn it all! We're supposed to be fucking happy and thrilled and all that shit because I'm going to be okay. But we aren't. He's been crying his eyes out, and even though part of that might have been relief... I'm such a pathetic loser. First I try to push him away because I think I can deal with this on my own, and then... I know I have to make it up to him, but how do I do that if I can't resort to my normal means... Cause this time, I can't simply fuck him through the mattress. I actually have to talk to him. Have to tell him that I'm ... well ... not exactly proud of how I behaved. And I can only hope that he'll... What? Forgive me? Am I so far gone that I need his forgiveness?! I guess I am. Because I don't want to see him like he was last night ever again. Turned away from me, shaking... It's too similar to that godforsaken Rage party. No, he wouldn't leave me now. But he also wouldn't get over this pain... I'm such a fucking dyke, it's uncanny.

Justin's stirring, slowly cracking his eyes open. And then he smiles, his whole face lighting up. Here it goes... "I'm sorry about yesterday..." He raises his eyebrow, and that's something we need to discuss later on – you don't just go and steal other people's facial expressions. You simply don't! But for now... "I didn't handle that very well, did I?" He shakes his head, still smiling. Which is good, very good. Seems like he's not about to rip my head off. "I shouldn't have acted like we're all about fucking..." His brow's disappearing into his hairline. "I mean, sure, it's totally fucked... But it could have been worse..." He giggles. He really fucking giggles!

"Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Now it's my turn to give him the eyebrow. "The old crying trick still works like a charm..." What the fuck... "And then the unconscious snuggling..." Fucker! "You really deserved it, you know?! You don't pull something like this on your significant other without paying for it..." If I wasn't so pissed right now, I'd actually be proud of him. He really gives as good as he gets, and that's saying a lot, boys and girls. But as I was saying, I'm pissed, and he knows it. Which is why he quickly pecks me on my cheek and then scampers off into the bathroom. He starts the shower, and while he's waiting for the water to heat up, he sticks his head through the door. "Oh come on, Bri. Cut it out. You got what you fucking deserved, and you know it. So stop the pouting routine and join me. And I promise I'll be good..."

Problem is, it's only when he's especially bad that he's truly good. At least in my book. But since he once again sees right through me, there really is no point in staying in bed. Besides, I need to shower, and for once I don't even want to fuck his brains out. My fucking ball still hurts like shit, and the thought of doing anything strenuous... Even if it would be highly pleasurable... I'm so going to call Kathleen today. I don't want to fuck, that must mean the end is coming. Like I told Justin yesterday, life as we know it is over. Fuck! His back is turned to me when I finally step into the stall, and he leans back, my arms coming around him of their own volition. And I know that I'm really screwed because I can't stay mad at him for more than a few minutes. Especially not when he gives me a lopsided smile like he does now. We made it. We fucking made it!

And I think JT has taken lessons with Rage, because he can obviously read my mind. "It's like I told you, isn't it? Whatever life throws at us, we get through it together. Cause we are strong when we face things side by side..." Why does he have to turn everything into a fucking Hallmark card? He turns around, cupping my face in his hands, his eyes searching mine for ... something. And I guess he found it, cause he suddenly grins broadly, and draws my head down to kiss the tip of my nose. He's so corny sometimes... "So, next time you're faced with something that could be life-altering, don't even try to do it all on your own..." I guess that's what really bothered him. That I tried to... Shit! Why the fuck does this have to be so hard at times? Why can't I just get rid of this little voice inside my head that sounds like Jack. The voice that tells me that Justin would be better off without me... Not that I still believe this shit. But there are times when...

Enough! No more of this shit! So Jack will never truly leave me alone. So what? The same is true for Justin. My personal little twink. My ex-stalker. My very own public service announcement. My partner. My husband... Fuck, it's catching and I'm sure Hallmark would love to give me a job because I'm so fucking dykish... He looks at me expectantly, and fuck if I know what he wants to hear now. I kiss his forehead to buy me a little more time and then settle on a simple "You're on," and that's that. It's not like I stand a chance when he's set on something. Or when he's on the warpath like he was last Saturday. Boy, he was more than pissed. It's pretty useless to fight him, just a waste of energy. And life with him taught me one thing – that energy can be used in more pleasurable ways. Only, not at the moment. But even fucking domestic things like washing each other's hair and back ... they are nice in a non-sexual way. It's amazing how well he knows how to touch me without getting me all hard and bothered. One of the perks of being together for years...

He leaves me to my own devices then, bouncing down the stairs to get the coffee started. When I join him, he's on the phone, handing me a steaming mug without so much as a word. Who the fuck is he calling at this godforsaken hour? I really hate his early-morning classes. And I hate it even more that he forces me to get up with him. "Alright then. I'll see you when I get back, okay? Thanks, Mel." Oh, it's my former nemesis. Justin's about to hang up, but Melanie seems to say something funny, and he cracks. "Thanks for the advice. I'm making a note just now to try it." What the... "Give our love to Jenny, yes? And Linz and Gus. Oh, and tell him not to forget that drawing... Yes, he wanted to show it to his kindergarten teacher." Since when is Justin involved in the day to day life of my son? He snickers again. "Okay. See you then. Bye, Mel..."

I study him over the rim of my mug, but he doesn't seem to be willing to volunteer any information, so I ask, "How are things at Muncherville?" He glares. Yes, I'm well aware of the fact that he hates that particular expression. And that I so wouldn't get any if I ever used it in front of the girls who munch. But since they aren't here, and Justin is being his obnoxious self... "And why the fuck did you have to call them so early, anyway? Is life with me so boring now that I can't fuck you through the mattress? You wound me, Sunshine..." I sigh rather theatrically. "I had hoped that you were with me because you loved me. But now the truth becomes painfully clear... You're only here for my cock. And now that it's out of order..." I sniffle, biting the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. "But that you suddenly turn hetero on me... With Mel no less..."

He almost drops his own coffee. "You. Are. So. Full. Of. Shit." Yup, that's me. "You know that I would never..." He shudders. "That one time with Daphne was more than enough, thank you very much." And it almost destroyed their friendship, if memory serves. I mean, I understand Daphne. Being with Justin is enough to make you lose it. Look at where it got me... "Anyway, it's not my fault that you show no interest in your son's life." That's not true, and he knows it. It's just... It's easier this way. Cause the moment I really get involved... I guess Mel was right. I've finally grown up and want to be more than a drop-in dad. It might be because of Jenny, but who knows. Seeing Justin with her ... his eyes shine, and I think part of him always falls apart when he has to let her go again. And he adores Gus. Well, the feeling is more than mutual. My son worships his Daddy Jussie. The kids are fucking lucky. They have two moms and two dads who love them. And one of those two dads is still rambling on and I managed to miss most of what he's been saying... "I just wanted to hear how they are doing, okay?" That tone of voice... Shit! He's so not telling me everything. They are up to something, and I'm sure I won't like it...

I have no chance to ask him what's going on, because he suddenly has to get going, and he kisses me, tells me that he loves me, and is out of the door, leaving me with the dirty dishes and a really bad feeling. And I'm proven right when the fucking door bell rings an hour later. It's Mel. The only reason I'm not pushing the door shut in her face is the small girl she holds out for me to take. Great. Now they're using Jenny as a bribe. Brilliant! But shit, I really can't resist those blue eyes, so very much like Justin's. Not to mention that Sunshine smile of hers. It's a shame that she inherited her mother's dark hair. Though, maybe that's a good thing. I mean, were she really and truly a spitting image of her father... Well, she will be spoilt rotten anyway... She giggles when I take her, and squeals when I kiss her forehead. "Watch it. She's in one of her moods this morning..."

I raise her up so we're eye to eye, and give her my tongue-in-cheek grin. "Ah, so you're just like your daddy today? He's been moody as well." Or rather smug as hell. I hate this whole I-know-something-you-don't shit, and he loves it. Not to mention tricking me into apologising. Is that one of the lessons you want to teach your child, Sunshine? That it's okay to do such a vile thing to the people you're supposed to love? Huh? Jenny laughs, and my grin turns into a smile. "But you don't seem moody to me. No, you don't. Not at all." My gaze shifts to Mel who's just shaking her head at me. What?! I can't be an asshole 24/7, and certainly not when Jenny or Gus are around. "You know, Jenny... Maybe it's your Momma who's grumpy because of something. And she's doing something your aunt Kathy would call projection." I'm sinking down onto the sofa and gather Jenny closer. "What do you think? Is Momma grouchy this sunny morning?"

"Well, if I am it's because of you!" Huh? Did I miss something? "How could you do that to Justin?" Ah, we're back to the days of let's-blame-Brian – great! "He must have been scared shitless. But big man Kinney has to do his usual thing, right? Just push him away, let him believe that you're fucking dying..." Why can't Linz be around when I need her? Mel is using swearwords in front of a minor. Linz would freak! "Don't you know that there are people who fucking care about you? Who love you?! Not me, of course, but Justin and Linz and Gus and Michael... They love you! Especially Justin! Do you know what that did to him? You coming out of the doctor's office and leaving him in the dark?" So that's what he was telling Melanie. Wonderful! And she's here to dish out the final part of what I've come to call Justin's Revenge. "I swear, one of these days we'll all die of strokes because of you, and will you give a shit? No! I'd be surprised if you even realised it, you selfish son of a bitch!"

I can't keep from chuckling. "Are you done now?" She glares. "Yes, I acted like shit. But did it occur to any of you that I was pretty shocked as well? And Justin was this close to falling apart, I really didn't want to push it. It's enough that I did once we got home..." Fuck! Did I really just say that? To Mel? What the fuck is wrong with me? I know what it is. It's this whole family shit that's going on in our house. This thing that brings the Munchers here at least once a week, if not more often, and turns Justin into a three-year-old who plays with my son's new Playmobil castles and knights set. Me, I'm always snatching Jenny and get out of there before she can be infected by her father's infantile behaviour. It's really unbecoming. Makes me wonder why the fuck I married him.

Jenny's small fingers have closed around my thumb and it's amazing how strong her grip is – for someone so small, that is. And what is her mother doing? Smiling at me. Like I've done something remarkable just now. Well, maybe I have. "You really have chanced. And if this just now was any indication of how you are with Justin... Only, don't blow it, okay? Just because you think something would be easier for him doesn't mean it truly would be. It was when you kept him in the dark that your problems became these huge things that almost suffocated you." I'm about to ask her who she is and what she did to the real Melanie Marcus when she adds, "Oh, and don't flatter yourself. I'm not doing this for you. It's just that Jenny adores you, and Justin... Well, he'd be fucking miserable without you, for some very strange reason." But as so very often it's not our words who show us for what we really are, but our actions. Something I once thought Justin understood. Anyway, I know that she cares when she hugs me, and even kisses my cheek. And then it's back to the old Mel. "Now, get me some coffee, would you? After all, I'm your guest..."

---

Justin

I really thought he'd be pissed. But when I got home, Mel and Brian were deep in conversation about ... some legal shit. I didn't understand a word they were saying, so I just left them to their oh-so-important business stuff, and went into the kitchen in search of food. And I found a chicken khorma waiting for me on the counter. Does he even realise it when he's doing things like this? It's so ... sweet. Which is exactly why I'm never going to tell him. Or even thank him for something like this. Cause the moment I'm pointing it out to him will be the moment he ceases doing these things. So, that's a no can do. What I'm really wondering about as I'm placing the plate into the microwave is this: how on earth did I manage to miss this before? I mean, back in the days when I was so foolish to believe that Ethan was giving me what I wanted. For instance – how could I forget about the computer? I used it every day, after all. How the fuck did I explain that? Brian looking after one of his investments?

I was so stupid. But so was Brian. No, make that so is Brian! Last night was a prime example again. He still believes that I would keep my feelings hidden from him. What a bunch of crap. That didn't work out so well when I did it before, so there won't be a repeat. Unless I need to get back at him for something... Then it really works like a charm. But seriously, he needs to get over this shit. I run my fingers through my hair, which is really in need of a cut despite what Brian says, and stare at the rotating plate. I'm fucking hungry, and the microwave seems to be slowing down – or maybe my perception of time is totally off... When I finally hear the ping that indicates the food is done, I'm almost burning my hands cause I want my food. Now! And I hear that self-satisfied chuckle behind me. "See. I told you that your Daddy is a bottomless pit. He's so in love with food, he doesn't even care if he hurts himself..." I really hate him when he does that. Makes me feel like I'm the kid here, and not my daughter.

My daughter... That's still something I can hardly believe. I have a daughter. And Brian totally loves her. And sometimes I'm wondering... I know he never saw himself as a full-time parent. And who could blame him? After his own shitty childhood... But when I see him now with Gus and Jenny I think that maybe he will be ready... One day in the future, that is. After I got my degree. And for now we can practice. And in doing so we also give Mel and Linz a break or two, and it's pretty obvious that they do need those once in a while. Though I don't really want to think about what they're doing when the kids are out of their hair. Well, they aren't up to anything ... decidedly sickening right now. Mel is joining us in the kitchen, and winks at me. "You know, I think that husband of yours is about to run off with our daughter. Think we should intervene?" Brian just glares. "Tell me, in all the time she was here, how often were you allowed to even hold her?" That's really a valid question, and I'm not sure I'd like the answer. And Brian ... he huffs and strides back into the living room. With Jenny.

Mel chuckles. "Do you think he's any idea how cute he is? How cute they are together?" I shake my head. "Hmm, maybe someone should tell him then..." And I can see that she'd love to be that someone. And I'd beg her not to if my mouth weren't full. Luckily, she suddenly changes the subject. "So, are you prepared for the big show? Linz is driving me crazy, you know? Wants me to tell her which drawings to include, and how the fuck would I know?!" Yeah, well... Lindsay and I didn't have any trouble picking the paintings we wanted to see in the show, but the drawings were another matter. There were a few rather tame sketches for Rage – Mikey went totally insane, blabbering about free publicity and the like – and then one or two of my old things. Like that one picture of Linz and Gus... It's a little damaged around the edges from when I had my breakdown after Mom told Brian to stay away and I wrecked havoc in my room. But it's still presentable, or so Linz says.

And the drawing I made of Brian. The one he bought at that GLC show. I still remember Mel's comment when I said that I wanted to include that one. "Yeah, like he needs more boosting of his ego..." But it's really nothing to do with Brian's ego or anything like that. I want to put the old sketch with the new one, the one I did just after we got back together. To show how I've evolved... But that's all we decided on. And somehow I managed to convince Linz to choose any other drawings herself. Poor Mel. I guess Lindsay forced her to help after I took flight. Brian somehow stayed out of the whole thing, probably because he was busy with the commitment ceremony and fending off Emmett. Though, it is pretty obvious that he's fucking proud of me. Hey, I'm proud of myself. This is going to be my first show. There will only be my stuff. Shit. It's scary... Brian already picked one or two pieces he wants for his office, and when I told him that he could get them for free, he simply told me to shut up. I think it would be different if the paintings were for our home, but since it's for his office...

We chat about the show for a bit, and then Brian returns and hands my daughter over to me. "There are people around here who actually have to work, Sunshine. Besides, she needs to get changed..." Charming, Mr Kinney, really charming! Mel leaves around five, just before Vance calls to tell Brian that the stuff we came up with last night is simply brilliant, and that I'm going to get a raise. Fuck! He grins and I just know what he'll say next. "Looks like you are doing just fine money-wise, don't you? So, are you going to call Debbie, or do you want me to do it? Cause the bussing job stops now!" I know he's right. I really don't need the money anymore, and I know that Deb will understand. It's just...

"Sunshine... I know you're fucking sentimental and don't want to quite the first job you've ever had, but it's time to move on. You're no longer the little twink who needed the cash. And anyway... You're my fucking partner." In other words, working at the diner is beneath me now. I'm about to tell him that it's my life and I'll buss tables for as long as I want. But then... "I just want you around more, okay? I really hate those emergency weekend shifts..." And that earns him my sunniest smile, and the promise of the blow job of his life once he gets the all clear from his doctor. He grumbles and I really think he starts hating me for this... Like it's my fault that he had a fucking cyst. But it's only a few more days, and I'm sure even Brian Fucking Kinney can survive this. At least I hope so...