Notes: Since Brian was engaged elsewhere, Michael had to step in and give his perspective of events. Oh, and the song mentioned in the chapter is of course Love Hurts by Nazareth.

Chapter 7 - A Close Call

Justin

This can't be happening. Not tonight! Please God, no! One moment, Brian is moving forward to take out Ethan, the next he's pushed back against me and I hold him while he's slowly sinking to the ground. That's when I see the blood on his chest. He's fighting to breathe, and that gurgling sound he makes... I can't lose him, not like this, not ever! He looks up at me, gently caressing my cheek, and I know that I should be crying or something, but I just feel hollow. He tells me that it hurts, that he can't breathe – don't you dare stop, you asshole, don't you dare leave me. And then he smiles. "I love you, Justin." I stare into his beautiful hazel eyes, watch them flutter shut and I'm gripped by this fear that they just closed forever.

"Take it back! Open your eyes and take it back!" Shit. I'm having a panic attack. "Tell me that Brian Fucking Kinney doesn't do love. Fuck you, Brian..." I try to swallow around the lump in my throat, but it's so damn hard. "Please don't..." My voice breaks, and Mikey's arms are coming round me as the paramedics appear to take Brian away – away from me. "I'm going with him..." – I'm going with him. I said the same to Mikey about one and a half years ago, not knowing what was in store for me. But I knew that I wanted to be with Brian. How could I ever forget that? It was always Brian. And now ... now he might die because of my idiocy. "I'm going with him," I repeat a little louder, staring at one of the medics. I don't care if it's forbidden, or if they are a bunch of fucking homophobes – I'm not leaving Brian.

I hear Mikey's voice as he helps me to my feet. "He's his partner." Then he's pushing me towards the ambulance and out of the corner of my eye I see Detective Horvath cuff Ethan, who gazes at me, pleading with me. Well, how nice of him to be sorry now. It's a little too late for that, don't you think? For a moment I feel this urge to run over to him and beat him to a bloody pulp. But that wouldn't help anyone. It wouldn't help Brian. And right now there's no one as important as Bri. Actually, there never was anyone as important as Bri. Not for me.

Mikey is still steering me forward, and then I'm sitting in the ambulance and hold Brian's hand, answering questions like 'What's his name?' – 'How old is he?' – 'What's his blood type?' I'm answering as well as I can, all the while massaging the back of Bri's hand with my thumb. There are times when I think he's squeezing back, and gods, I think this is what keeps me going, what stops me from falling apart. Gina, one of the paramedics, is just offering me something to calm my nerves when my fucking cell rings. It's Linz – fuck!

Her voice is cheery – well, of course it is since she doesn't know – yet. I can almost see her in front of me with this broad smile plastered on her face. "Hey, Justin. I just wanted to check back with you one last time..." She giggles, and I hear Mel in the background mumbling something that sounds like 'you're impossible'. So Linz has put me on the speakers, great... "You're coming over around twelve, yes? For brunch? So the five of us can have a little time to ourselves before the rest of our family appear, wrecking havoc wherever they go..."

Gods, Linz! How do I tell her, or rather them? How do I tell them that we'll be spending this night at the hospital, just like last year – only with reversed roles. Fuck you, Hobbs! And fuck you even more, Ethan! What were you thinking?! "Linz... I'm afraid... The party is off, Linz..."

"What?!" That's both of the Munchers. "You didn't break up again, did you? Is it this Ethan again?" Shit, does she really think so little of me?

But the thing is – I wish she was right. "Yes and no, Linz. Yes, it is Ethan, but not the way you think. No, we didn't break up, though it would be better if we had. Cause then Brian would be at Babylon now, fucking his brains out. He wouldn't be on his way to hospital with a fucking bullet in his chest!" I had been searching for a good way to break it to them – well, this certainly hadn't been it. I can hear Linz gasp, and then there's Mel's voice in the background again, telling Linz that she's getting Gus. We've almost reached Allegheny General, so I say, "Look, I gotta go. And Linz..." I take a deep breath, "thank you." She knows what I mean. I switch my cell shut after hitting the disconnect button and then we're there and I'm sitting in ER, waiting for someone to tell me...

Actually, anything would be better than this ... than having to wait. I'm praying that Brian will be alright, that everything will be alright again. Fuck, why does the good always come with the bad? First, there was the Prom – or rather Brian coming to the Prom and dancing with me, and Chris Fucking Hobbs using my head for baseball practice. Then it was being back with Brian, and mom telling Bri to stay away from me. Now that one went really well. I still can't believe that I actually attacked my mother, but I was pretty screwed back then, so... Then the rules, and me fucking up royally. And all the small things Brian did for me, and I still had to go and fuck Ethan. And now, not even two weeks since we got back together...

---

Michael

Ben is parking the jeep while I run into the cold light of ER. For a moment I scan the waiting area before my eyes land on Justin. He's talking to a nurse, who's just handing him Brian's watch and his cowry-shell bracelet. I can see the agony in Justin's eyes, but his face is stoic as if he's one of those marble statues in his art books. He must have taken lessons with Brian as far as schooling his features is concerned, cause he has this mask of indifference firmly in place. Only I know that it's really the shock and fear that make him appear so nonchalant right now. Inside, he must be fucking terrified.

I can't believe that it's only been weeks since I was here last, but I can't think of that right now, mustn't think of that right now. Cause if I did, I'd probably freak out. First Ben, and now Brian. Who will be next? Ma? Vic? 'Don't go there, Mikey. You have to be strong now, for Brian and for Justin.' And it's true. Cause Jus is, well, close to breaking point really. I can sense that much despite his outward appearance. As I sit down next to him, I'm taken back one year, and I'm also sitting next to someone, though it was Brian back then. And I was fucking scared for him because I had never seen him lose it like that, in a public place no less. Those quiet tears ... each of them told me just how much he loved Justin, I simply didn't want to believe it. I wish Justin would also cry, and not just bottle everything up. I glance at his hands and see him caressing the bracelet in pretty much the same way I've seen him caress Brain during the past one and a half weeks.

As I look up I see Ben striding towards us, arguing with someone over the phone – mom. Shit. "No, Deb. We only just got here and don't know anything yet." He sighs and I reach for his hand to squeeze it, lending him silent support. "No, you don't have to come over. We'll call you once we know what's going on." He rolls his eyes. "Deb, no. Don't even think about it, okay. He will be just fine." And even though there's no way that we can be sure of it, I know that Ben's right. Brian will be fine cause now he has a reason to go on – something to fight for. Else he wouldn't have told Justin... His eyes were so open and tender – and resolved. Resolved to finally tell Justin, and resolved to do everything in his power – and then some – to not leave Justin. To come back to say these words again and again.

"Justin?" my head snaps up to find Ben gazing down at mom's Sunshine. "Have they told you anything yet?" Justin's only shaking his head. "Justin? Justin? Listen to me, okay?" Ben lets go of my hand, only to grasp Justin's. "He will be alright, okay? He's far too stubborn to just let go. Didn't you hear him? He loves you, and I don't think he meant that to be a farewell. It was a promise. A promise that you two will make it, that you will get through this as well." Slowly, Justin nods, a small smile playing around his lips, but it is gone before it can reach his eyes. Ben smiles, and I'm so proud of him right now, and so grateful that fate led him into my humble little store that day. He moves away now, and winks at me. "Okay, I'll try to get a hold on Emmett and Ted..." I wonder why he's not going to call Linz as well when I see the Munchers approach.

"Typical of him to find an out. He never wanted the party to begin with." That's Mel with one of her usual anti-Brian statements. Only she'd be so much more convincing if her voice wasn't shaking. Her gaze shifts to Justin and she adds, "How can he do this to Justin? I swear, if he dies on us, I'm going to kill him." The she drops down on Justin's other side, hugging him tightly. But Jus doesn't respond, hardly even acknowledges her presence. This is beginning to scare the hell out of me. It's just not normal for him to be so quiet.

But as soon as the nurse appears again, he comes out of his daze, his eyes filling with dread once more. "Your friend … um, partner..." I give her a tense smile. I don't think Justin could deal with a homophobe just now. "He's being prepared for surgery. It looks like he was damn lucky, but the doctor will explain that to you..." She gestures towards a man – mid-forties maybe, dressed in blue – who's just coming to join us.

Dr O'Reilly, as the nurse introduces him, smiles and asks, "Which of you is Mr Taylor?" Justin jumps to his feet. The doctor's smile broadens and he shakes Justin's hand. "Nice to meet you." What the fuck is going on here? This isn't the right time for fucking small talk! "I understand that you are Mr Kinney's partner?" He emphasises the last word, once again smiling at Justin who nods. "Alright then, I'm going to forgot about hospital rules and regulations then and treat you like a family member." Mel is gasping, the lawyer in her coming to the fore and I can barely keep from telling her to fuck off.

"Mr Kinney had a narrow escape. The bullet got diverted by his ribs, shattering one of them before embedding itself in his left lung, mere inches from his heart." Justin begins to shake and I'm on my feet, embracing him while he's coming to terms with what he's just been told, and how close he'd come to losing Brian. "We are going to remove the bullet and any bone fragments. We already cleared the liquid out of his lungs, and there's very little else we can do. It will have to heal in it's own time. No major blood vessel has been damaged, and the small capillaries have already stopped bleeding. So, as far as this is concerned, he should be fine in no time at all. We will also straighten out the broken rib. But it will still make for some really painful weeks."

Okay, the guy is stoned out of his bloody mind, that much is obvious. He's speaking about another human's fucking life here, my best friend's life, for fuck's sake. But when I look at Justin, I'm beginning to think that Dr O'Reilly's approach might have been the best way to deal with this after all. Justin seems close breaking down completely. No surprise really. "Now, if you will excuse me, I have a patient to attend to. The nurse will show you where you can wait..." He turns to leave, but then adds, "Mr Taylor? He will be fine. And the surgery will only be a few hours, then you can see him." Then he is gone and we relocate to another waiting area, this time in ICU, and Ted and Em arrive and we all try to support Justin as well as we can.

He is as pale as a sheet, clutching Brian's bracelet like it's his lifeline now. He looks like a fucking ghost, and is so quiet that it's scaring me shitless. I don't think he's said more than 'yes' and 'no' since we got here. He's just retreating into himself, and right now that's the last thing he should do. I know that Brian will have our heads when he finds out that we didn't help Justin cope with this shit. But, fuck! What can we do?

Linz takes me aside for a few moments and tells me about the phone call and – fuck, it only confirms my worst fears. Justin's blaming himself for what happened instead of the fucking fiddler. Which is totally absurd cause I don't think he told Ethan to shoot Brian. And there was no way that he could have known what a psychopath was hidden behind that sweet and loving mask. But I don't believe that anyone here could get those fucked-up ideas out of his mind. The only one who can is currently in surgery. Shit. 'Brian, we really need you here. Justin needs you. Don't you die on him. Don't you dare die on him.'

---

Justin

He has to be alright, he fucking has to be alright. A perforated lung – that must have been the reason for that terrible gurgling sound and him coughing up blood. And the broken rip accounts for the pain in his chest. Fuck you, Ethan! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! But how can I blame him? If I hadn't been so fucking stupid, if I had opened my eyes just a little sooner... There would have been no Ethan then, and Brian wouldn't be fighting for his life now. 'No, don't go there, Justin. Don't even think it. He'll be alright, if only to kick your ass.' I just wish it would be me, not Bri. All things considered it should be me. I screwed up big time, I cheated on Brian, and I hurt Ethan by going back to the man I really loved – the only man I ever loved – Brian.

The nurse from ER is coming towards us again – Grace, I think – making this long face, and for a second I think the worst has happened, but then... "I forgot to tell you before, but we were forced to cut up Mr Kinney's leather jacket and shirt." Uh-oh. Bri will be so pleased when he hears...

Mikey knows that as well, cause he says, "Shit! He'll be so pissed. You know how he feels – or felt – about that jacket..." Yeah, and his car and everything else really. "so I think it's only fair that you'll be the one to tell him cause he loves you and won't kill you, at least not too much." He's smirking and so is Grace. What's this? Have they all joined forces to give a performance of Let's Cheer up Justin? But I have to admit that it's helping, at least a bit.

It's only ... I just wish I could turn back time. I wish I could go back a few hours and talk Brian into staying at home. We could be sitting on the sofa now, watching one of his beloved movies. Or we could be in bed, making passionate love until we fall asleep from exhaustion. But that's not going to happen. We are here because of me. I should have stayed with Ethan. Maybe he would have shot me at some point because I did something he didn't approve of, but it would have been better for Brian in any case. 'Stop it now, Taylor. Brian needs you. He needs you. You can't fall apart. You just can't!'

I'm running the fingers of my right hand over the small cowry-shells on his bracelet, glad that I have it with me right now. Cause having it here in my hand means that I have part of him with me. Like he's ever going to leave me. He is in my heart and soul, and I love him so much that it hurts. Fuck, it's really like in that song... Love hurts, love scars... I have seen the scars I left on his soul, and I can only hope that one day they will disappear. Along with all the others left by his family, especially his rotten father.

I still can't believe that he said those words, that he told me he loves me. And maybe Ben was right. Maybe it wasn't a goodbye after all. Maybe it was his way of telling me that he would hold on, that somehow we would make it through this and would be together ... forever. That's what I want. I want him with me always. I want to fight with him over trifles and I want to laugh with him. I want to watch him with his son who he loves so much, more than he ever thought he could love anyone. And I want to hear him tell me I love you again and again, cause now that I heard it once, I'm greedy. But more than everything else, I want to be able to love him forever. I want to drive away the demons of his past and show him what a wonderful man he is. He only has to stay alive now. And he will. Yes, Ben was right. He's too stubborn to just die.

I draw a deep breath, and then I stand and gaze at our family. They took me in so readily – well, maybe not Mikey, but that's over now and done with – and I know that without their help I never would have been able to keep on fighting for Brian - and against him. They are here now, with me, in the middle of the goddamn night. Trying to help me, trying to simply be there for me. I smile at them, and I feel tears run down my face. But that's okay. "Guys, I just... Thanks for being here."

Linz hands the sleeping Gus over to Mel and comes to embrace me. "It's okay, Justin. No need to thank us. Only, do us all a favour, yes?" I draw back so I can gaze into her eyes. "Stop beating yourself up over this, okay? It wasn't your fault. Brian and you – you deserve to be happy. And if that Ethan can't accept that, well, then he's got another one coming." She smiles slightly, and I hug her again. Maybe, maybe she is right... "It's not your fault," she repeats, and I nod against her cheek. Fuck, I didn't tell Ethan to get a gun, did I? I didn't tell him to shoot Brian. So maybe it wasn't my fault, or at least not only my fault.

A few minutes later, Dr O'Reilly is with us again, and he's smiling. "Like I said before, Mr Kinney is going to be fine." Well, somehow I'm more inclined to believe him now, at this side of the surgery. "He's being taken into one of the rooms now, and if you want to you can stay with him, Mr Taylor." Like there was any chance that I was going to leave. Soon, everyone is leaving, and they all tell me to keep in touch and that they will be around again tomorrow, or today, whatever. Ben's on the phone again with Deb, and Mikey asks if they can take the jeep. I just nod, not really paying attention. A nurse is waiting for me, and then she's taking me to Brian. And I almost run to his bedside, grasping his right hand, and I'm crying until my eyes are red and puffy. But it doesn't matter. I'm just so fucking relieved that he's still breathing, that his hand is so warm under my touch. He's alive, he's fucking alive!

---

Brian

Fuck! My chest feels like someone is trying to drive a dagger into it whenever I draw air into my lungs. And I can guess what that means. Joy of joys. I have a broken rib – well, at least one. Shit. That also means that I will have to get used to this pain cause it will be my constant companion for some time. Great. I pry my eyes open, and see a ruffled blond head lying on my right arm. "I swear that I'm going to strangle you if you're drooling on me, Sunshine." He jumps to his feet, his eyes large as saucers.

"Brian..." It's hardly more than a whisper, and suddenly I remember. The fucking fiddler shot me. Shit. "Brian..." he repeats, and then he grabs my right hand and he's crying. "I'm so sorry, Brian. So sorry. It should have been me. He should have shot me..." What the fuck is he talking about? Does he really think that I could have gone through this shit again? Spending hours sitting around, not knowing if he would make it. No way in hell, Sunshine. "I'm so sorry..." Then he raises his eyes and catches mine. "I love you..."

And then it hits me. I told him. After all those months, I finally told him. And I'm so afraid, so afraid that I won't be able to say the words again. Because I know he needs to hear them, now more than ever. The pain in my chest has nothing to do with my injuries and everything with this fear that holds me captive now. "Justin..." I have to swallow. 'Breathe, just breathe. You did it once, you can do it again.' So I'm doing just that, and fuck, I wish it wouldn't hurt so fucking much. "Justin..." I twine our fingers and then... "I love you, Justin." His eyes are welling once more, and I can feel the tears prick at the back of my eyes. And then I say it again, "I love you..." And again, and again, until it's become a mantra and I couldn't stop even if my life depended upon it.

I can still see the gun and the madness in Ian's eyes. I could have lost Justin. Again. I'm drawing his head up so his lips are hovering over my own. And then we kiss, and then I finally believe that he's really alright, that Ian didn't get him as well. He is safe, and I'm never letting him out of my sight again. He draws back eventually, and he is giving me a lopsided smile, his eyes still a little too moist for my liking. I glance down at our linked hands, and then I see it. "Justin? What the fuck are you doing with my bracelet?"

He's apologising, and fumbles to take it off, but I just smile and stop him. "Keep it," I whisper. And then I add, because I'm still Brian Fucking Kinney, even though I'm a little shaken just now, "It has your drool all over it, and I don't want it anymore. Just so you know I expect a replacement as soon as humanly possible." I smirk and wink and that's that. And then I draw in a deep breath, and fuck! It hurts. Damn it all to hell and back. "What the fuck happened to me? Oh, and how long was I out?" In other words, how long was Justin here, worrying himself sick? I know he did, cause I know him and he is like that.

He tells me about my broken rib, now there's a big surprise, and my punctured lung. Ah, that's why I coughed up blood. Great. His hand is shaking when he whispers how close a call it had been. The bullet had been only inches from my heart. Gods. I don't even want to think about how Justin has been faring... "As for how long you were gone... Just a little over twelve hours. Dr O'Reilly, your surgeon, said that the surgery went extremely well, so..."

I'm reaching over to caress his cheek with my left hand. Last time I did that, I was lying in his lap, fearing that I'd never see him again. But I don't want to think about that right now. So I push my tongue into my cheek and ask, "So, shouldn't we be getting ready for our party? No, make that my party. Cause it's all for me, Sunshine."

I never heard the door open, but I now hear an unfamiliar voice, "I'm afraid that party will have to wait a while yet. Cause I don't think I can let you go before at least two weeks have gone by." That must be Dr O'Reilly, then. And what did he say? Two weeks? Two fucking weeks? He must be out of his mind. I'm going to run crazy here. "So, how are you feeling, Mr Kinney?"

'Oh, just fine, Doc. Just feel like screaming right now.' But I'm not saying that. Putting my tongue-in-cheek grin in place again, I drawl, "Just peachy, thanks for asking. Not at all like someone just shot me and I'm going crazy with this fucking pain in my chest." Justin stares at me as if I lost my bloody mind, and Dr O'Reilly chuckles. I'm so fucked.