Notes: Since Brian had to remain silent for a large part of the last chapter, he now decided to come back with a vengeance.

Chapter 8 - Mothers and other Misfortunes

Brian

It's only been five days, and I already want to climb the fucking walls. Shit! Sunday was okay... Justin was around the whole day, and all of our little family showed up at some point to see if I was truly still alive and kicking. Well, Theodore probably hoped that I was worm food cause then he might get laid... Or maybe not. Emmett and he seem to be really serious about trying. Which is completely fucked cause they simply don't fit together. Theodore should have stuck with the Crystal-queen, and Emmett... Well, he needs someone a little more like Ben. Calm, but not boring. Gods, listen to me. A little blond twink drags me into this relationship-thing and suddenly I think I'm an expert.

The Munchers were ... pretty worried. Yes, even Melanie. I felt like I'd ventured into the Twilight Zone. She actually told me that if I ever pulled something like this again, if I ever did something like this to Justin again, she'd come after me. Fuck it. I think she really loves the little shit, and by extension, doesn't mind me too much anymore. Linz just smiled, and, when Justin was out to get something to drink for her... I still can't believe what she told me. The little fucker blames himself for what happened! Hate to break it to you, Sunshine, but I was the one who wanted to play hero. I tried to tackle Ian down, which was a decidedly stupid idea. And you certainly didn't tell him to shoot me, so... If he thinks that I'm going to stand by and let him beat himself up, he's sadly fucking mistaken.

Mikey and Ben ... I could have kissed them, both of them. Cause Linz also told me how great they were, how they tried to help Justin. So it's just fair that I let them keep the jeep - until I get out of this madhouse that is. Justin won't be needing it cause he still has the abomination and Mikey... Well, he has to drive to their publisher again, cause there will be a second issue soon, and he's to take care of that. I'm so proud of the two of them. They had been so close to giving up on Rage. Well, Justin had been close to giving up on a lot of things... So it's all the more reason to be proud of them now. And I am, though I'd never ever tell them. Or maybe I will, some day ... soon.

Of course Deb and Vic also made an appearance, and I know that if I don't pass away due to sheer boredom, Deb's going to mother me to death. Vic only stood on the sidelines and smirked. Yeah, thanks a lot. But, safe for that one moment of absence, Justin was always there to fend everyone off when he felt it was getting too much for me. I think I actually told him again, in front of everyone at that... But maybe I can claim that it was only due to the medications the nice nurses were giving me. Antibiotics, and such. No pain-meds though, no. Wouldn't do to be able to breathe without that goddamn ache in my chest.

So, yeah. That was Sunday. But then it was Monday, and I practically had to throw Justin out of the room cause he wanted to skip work. "Not going to happen, Sunshine. I wanted you to work at Vanguard, so now go and work." And so he went, and it only took me an hour or so to wish I had allowed him to call in sick. Shit. Cyn came over around lunch, bringing me a little bit of work, and I was so fucking glad that this loony O'Reilly gave his okay to that. This means that for a few hours I can amuse myself with my notebook and the lovely work Arts is doing. Well, that's not really true anymore. After all, Justin's there now, and... Yes, my little wifey is working for me now and I'm so happy with the work he's doing. Pathetic, I know.

Jen visited yesterday – Wednesday that is. She was livid, really and truly livid. All of her WASP-upbringing had disappeared and she was fuming. Apparently Deb's new boyfriend had dragged Justin down to the police station to make his statement, and he had a little run-in with Ian. The little shit! Why the fuck didn't he tell me about that? So when he got in after work, I told him exactly what I thought about that. "You're my fucking partner, Justin. Shit, I fucking told you that I love you! Why the fuck didn't you tell me something as important as this?!" Instead of looking contrite like he should have, he was flashing me one of his brilliant smiles. Shit! I had called him 'my partner'. I'm such a breeder.

So today is Thursday, and my personal blond twink just waltzed in about an hour ago. Now he's sitting in that decidedly uncomfortable chair, his fingers tracing lazy patterns on the cowry-shell bracelet. His cowry-shell bracelet. I know he didn't buy that shit about it having his drool all over it for one moment and knows exactly why I made him keep it. Well, it's no fucking ring, so it's okay I guess. Or it will be okay until Deb or Linz hear about it. I can hear them already. "Oh Brian, how sweet of you. I always knew you had it in you." That would be Lindsay. Deb would be more, well, straightforward. "Took you long enough, asshole."

Yup, that sounds about right. And I'm really glad that Justin can see right through me once more, cause this might be the closest I'll ever get to... Then again... After my little near-death experience some things don't seem as scary as they did only a few days prior to The Shooting. That's what I've come to call it: The Shooting. Justin has The Bashing, and I have The Shooting, and I can hear Linz – "You're so full of shit, Brian." Nope, Linz, it's the meds. Feels like I've been smoking too much weed... Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, some things aren't as scary as they used to be anymore.

No, I'm not going to turn breeder on him and ask for his hand in marriage. If the Munchers need this, fine. But I'm not, I repeat, not the marrying kind. Fuck! Before Justin came along I thought I wasn't the 'relationship-kind', and now look at me. But marriage is just too big a thing, and we only got everything sorted between us. It would be too early. Maybe in ten years... Yes, I plan on having him with me in ten years still. Because he's the only one who ever managed to see through me – not even Linz or Mikey could pull that one. And he's the one who made me start to believe that I might be worthy ... worthy of being happy, being loved. Did I mention that the meds are fucking with my brain?

So, marriage is not on my agenda right now. But some sort of commitment might be a good idea – with all the necessary legal shit like giving him power of attorney, changing my will, etc... I'm just wondering if I don't feel this way because I want to make sure that Justin's mine – mine to keep. Cause if it's just fear that has me considering this then it will go down the drain eventually. No, I have to really want this, have to be ready to take this step. Well, if Dr O'Reilly has his way, I'm going to have plenty of time to think things over – eight fucking days to be exact. And then I can have a little chat with Mel. And that will be so funny cause she'll probably have a heart attack when I tell her.

I'm gazing at Justin now, and he smiles back, and fuck, I'm so glad that we are still here. Things could have ended a lot worse than this. But some good came out of it – I finally told him. I told him and the world didn't end. Jack didn't return from his grave to tell me what a pathetic little faggot I am, and that he's going to take me with him cause I don't deserve to be loved. It's as if Justin kept him at bay, and he has such faith in me now, and I simply cannot betray that. I'm a dyke and a breeder. God help me! But I can't let him see that, or he'll tease me about it forever. So I'm quickly thinking of something to dispel the mushiness that's filling the room. "Justin? Think you could give me my jacket? I need a smoke." Fuck hospital rules. I need nicotine, now!

But he doesn't start to argue. Instead he goes pale and frowns, and I'm getting really worried here. "Um, Brian... I don't know how to tell you, but that leather jacket.." Yes, my Armani leather jacket – what about it, Sunshine? "I'm afraid it's ... it's joined the great majority..." What? I feel my eyebrows disappear into my hair line. What the fuck... "They had to cut it up, you see… But it didn't go alone. Your shirt joined it..." I think I'm close to hyperventilating, and only part of it is an act. My jacket... Shit. He looks at me, and he's so frightened... Well, fuck the jacket! I have to show him that despite what everyone thinks, he ranks way above all my worldly possessions, and yes, that includes my fucking leather jacket. So I raise his right hand to my lips and turn it over so I can kiss the inside of his wrist just below the cords of the bracelet.

Shit, he was really scared I'd have a queen-out. 'It's just a jacket, Kinney. He's the really important thing.' And he is. The little twink I met under a fucking street lamp turned into the centre of my world... It's the meds, fuck it! "Just... Please make sure the loft is still in one piece when I get back." His smile lights the room. "And don't you dare dress up in my things again..." It feels like it's been ages since he did that, and if I were honest with myself, I'd admit that I wouldn't mind it anymore. On the contrary. He looks so sexy when he's not wearing his usual baggy clothes. Practically edible. Uh-oh...

My cock seems to like that mental image cause it grows hard, and there's nothing I can do about it cause I'm still in fucking hospital. Shit. What I wouldn't give to be able to have my wicked way with Justin and fuck him into the mattress. At home, not here. I would take my time with him, would undress him slowly, kissing and liking every newly exposed bit of his soft skin. I would lay him down on the bed and worship his flesh. Maybe even rim him for a while... Now you know what rimming is. I smirk. I should have known it. Even that first night it was something more than just a fuck. Despite the shit Anita had given me, I still remember each and every touch, every little sound he made. Oh yes, I'd rim him and tease him alright. And only once he was all hot and bothered would I ram my dick up his ass.

Shit. The fucking sheets are tenting and Justin arches an eyebrow at me. I can only shrug. I'm just a guy after all, and I haven't had sex in days. Despite his indignant expression, his hand is snaking beneath the sheets and then his fingers are around my cock, and fuck! I have to admit that these flimsy hospital gowns have certain advantages... I moan as my head thrashes on the pillow. But somehow I keep my eyes on him, and I gaze right into his soul. "Justin..."

He smirks, the little shit, knowing exactly what he's doing to me. Well, he should. After all, I taught him. "Why, Mr Kinney. You certainly look flustered." Little fucker. I try to keep my breathing calm, but shit, that's pretty much impossible given the things he's doing with his hand. "I think I should get Dr O'Reilly..." But he keeps going – I'd have killed him had he stopped now. It only takes a few more pulls on my cock and then I'm arching off the bed and come all over his fingers. My chest is hurting, but so what? My heart beats so fast I'm afraid it might break out, and it's only partly due to our recent activities. Slowly I wind down, and he smiles again. "You are so beautiful when you come. You're almost glowing..." Usually I would ask him what the fuck he's been taking, but speech isn't possible right now. So I just glare, and he giggles.

---

Justin

I really meant what I said. He looks so fucking beautiful when he loses control. I'm always compelled to get out a sheet of paper and draw him. But then, I guess I shouldn't do that, because anyone who saw the drawing would want a go at the real thing, and that's not going to happen. He's mine, and I'm not letting him go again. I know I'm fooling myself here. Once he's out of the hospital, he'll hit the clubs again, and the baths. And I can't be with him at all times, so...

I guess I was deceiving myself when I thought that his tricking didn't matter anymore. Because it does. It hurts me to think that he believes there are things I can't give him. I hate it that he needs the novelty of an unknown ass or mouth when I know that what we share is something on a completely different level. At least he won't do it in front of me anymore, and maybe I can convince Mikey or Em to watch out for him. 'No! Don't even think about it, Taylor. You don't want to go back to the clingy pathetic little faggot you were after the bashing, do you?' I guess I don't. Besides, I know his tricking doesn't mean anything. He loves me, he fucking loves me! No matter what he's doing, he'll always come back to me.

I withdraw my hand from his cock, reaching for a Kleenex to get rid of the mess he's made. That's when I feel the twinge in my hand. Shit. Not now. I don't know what gave me away, but suddenly my hand is in his, and he's massaging it gently. "I'm sorry, Justin. I didn't think." I want to tell him that, no, he didn't, and that it doesn't matter really. But I can't because he's so tender and loving and I feel my allergies kicking in again. "Don't..." he whispers. "It's okay. Don't be ashamed." He reaches over to caress my cheek. "It's just a sign that you survived. You are still here despite what that fucker Hobbs did. You were so brave, so fucking brave. And strong..." I so wish he would have told me back then. But I understand him now. I know that he simply couldn't. He had to hold it all together because I was so fucking scared of everything around me. Even of him.

Well, that's all over now, safe for my regrets that I can't remember that most romantic night of my life. I wish I could recall the way he held me, those fancy moves he mentioned while trying to get me to... Gods, I was such a stupid asshole back then. What was I thinking? Was I even thinking? He tried to give me back my memory and I never even asked myself why he was doing it. I shake my head, earning myself a raised eyebrow, but it doesn't matter. Cause now I finally get it. "Brian... Thank you. For trying to help me even if I was an ass." He grins. "But you have to believe me... It wasn't your fault. And you had the right to your breakdown just like me." And he had it, only two weeks ago. Way too late if anyone asked me, but there you are. He's Brian Fucking Kinney and Brian Kinney never does things the easy way. "And if you keep doing this," I'm motioning to my right hand, "I'm going to pretend that it's aching ... only to have you massage it again..."

He pretends to be put upon, but I know he's just playing along. "And I would let you get away with it, I hope you know that, Sunshine." I do. "And later I'd make you pay me back..." Oh yes, blow job payback – what a terrible fate. Then I remember something, and I giggle. "What?" he asks, clearly annoyed now. And it's understandable, too, cause he's trying to be romantic, no, scratch that. He's trying to be nice here, and I crack up. But it's just...

"I just had this weird thought... About paying you back." I giggle again. "Remember when you told me that I had to give you back each and every cent I'd stolen from you during my little excursion to New York?" He nods. "Well, I don't think I really did. I think you changed your plan and made me pay you back the physical way..." He gives me his tongue-in-cheek grin. "Not that I'm complaining... It was just a thought. Goes to show your priorities in life..." For a second there I think I hear him mumble something like 'You are', but that would be far too out of character, so I brush it aside.

But maybe I wasn't mistaken after all, cause he's drawing me up, and we're kissing and... The fucking door opens. "Now, isn't that sweet?" That's Ben, and if the mirth in his voice is any indication, Mikey must be standing next to him with his jaw hanging down to the floor. "Sorry you two, we didn't mean to interrupt..." I draw back quickly, and Brian growls, clearly displeased. "...but Mikey wanted to have a word with Justin, so..."

So I leave Brian with Ben, and no, I don't fear that they'll go at it again. They're both too smart for that. And Mikey still looks kind of shocked but then he starts fidgeting, and I know something's up. "I... I'm afraid I bring bad news." At first I think something's wrong with Rage, but it can't be that. So I just wait for him to continue. "You remember that first night you spent with Brian?" Of course I do, so I nod. "Well, those little fuckers have done it again." Oh shit! First the jacket, now the jeep? Brian will have a fit. "I thought maybe you could..."

"No, Mikey. No fucking way in hell. I told him about the jacket, but that's it. And before you suggest that we could not tell him, no!" I draw a deep breath. "We will get it sorted, but you still have to tell Brian. I know you, and you would let it slip one of these days." And then Brian would be really pissed, at me as well as Mikey. And I'm not going to let that happen. No way! "So just go and tell him. He's your best friend. He won't kill you ... too much." I wink at him and barely keep from sticking out my tongue. He scowls cause he knows that I'm quoting what he told me when Brian was first taken to hospital.

So Ben comes out and Mikey goes into the lion's den, and we get out of there as fast as we can because we don't want to hear the yelling that is sure to follow. Anyway, it's good that I have some moments with Ben, cause I want to tell him that I'm so fucking grateful for what he did that night... "Ben?" He smiles, and for a moment I understand what Brian saw in him, and what Mikey now loves about him. "I never got round to thanking you for ... well, what you said when we were waiting here."

"Well, I was right, wasn't I? He's still around and kicking, probably Michael's ass right about now. It's not like I didn't tell him not to park the jeep right in front our house, but he was so tired last night..." We both share a smirk and then shrug. This is a mess Mikey got himself in, so now he's to get himself out of it again. It's not fair, I know. But as Brian keeps telling me: whoever said that life was fair?

---

Brian

I'm really close to begging now. It's been a fucking week! Seven days! I'm running crazy here. Dr O'Reilly is a sadistic asshole, I'm sure of it, and likes to see me suffer. Fucker! I want to go home. I want to be able to fuck Justin properly again, not just grope him, always fearing that someone might walk in on us. Not the nurses or any other hospital personnel. No. Some member of our cheery little family. I want my fucking life back, especially my sex life. Fuck! The good doctor said Thursday, and I'm holding on to that thought now, and it's the only thing that keeps me relatively sane. Okay, I'll have to sign something that states that I'm leaving against his wishes, but fuck that. I'm going home on Thursday. And that's final.

I just told Justin, and he was so happy that he consented to blowing me. Now he's sitting next to me on the bed, and we're fucking cuddling again. But I don't care. I need his touch, need it so badly that once we get home we won't come out of the loft for the whole weekend – if I have my way, that is. Of course he'll be opposed to that and will be making plans to visit the Munchers, and have that fucking party and all that. Fuck it, and fuck him. Yeah, I wish...

We're just kissing when the door opens, and if it's Mikey and Ben again, they can go and screw themselves for for all I care. I'm holding on to Justin, kissing him within an inch of his life. And then there's this gasp, and we break apart. Fuck! It's not Mikey and Ben. It's not Debbie, either. Or Jen. Or anyone else we call our family. It's the Warden. "Brian! What are you... You sodomite! You sinner! You will come with me to church, and you will pray for God's forgiveness." Then she adds, "How can you drag this poor child with you into Hell!" She's pointing towards Justin, and I can only smirk because he's glaring daggers at her.

"Joanie, so nice of you to call. May I introduce you? The child is in fact my partner, Justin Taylor. Justin, this jolly lady is my mother, Joan Kinney." Justin doesn't say a word, he's just continuing to stare at my beloved mother, daring her to do or say anything wrong. Well, Joanie never knew when to shut up...

"Your what? Brian! How can you do that to me?" What the fuck? "I carried you to term, and you thank me for it by, by... By turning into an abomination?" Um, so you've seen Justin's car? I mean, our car. "You are a disgrace, Brian! And I'm glad your father didn't live to see this."

I smirk. "Well, it's good then that he learnt before he died, isn't it?" She gasps again, and before I can go on, Justin comes to my aid, or maybe he's just had enough of the loving family reunion.

"How dare you call Brian that! How dare you tell him that he's a disgrace! If anyone is, it's you! How could a mother stand by and watch her child being abused – by his own fucking father!" Well, if anyone thought that my Sunshine was a nice and dear little boy, this proves that he's more dangerous than I'll ever be.

"Brian," the Warden screeches, "Tell him that he can't talk to me like that. I'm your mother!" Well, he seems to think differently, and I don't feel like telling him to shut up cause it's too funny to see her eyes grow larger and larger, and I'm just afraid that they might pop.

"I have every right to talk to you in any way I please, Mrs Kinney! I'm your son's partner, his lover, and his friend! And you, you have no fucking right to call yourself his mother. The fact that you carried him nine months doesn't make you a mother." I know he thinks of Jen, and I'm glad for him that she came around. That she's now accepting him like he is, even if that means that she's to accept me as well. I wrap my arm around his hip, and pull him closer.

For a second he glances down and smiles at me. But then his eyes narrow again as his gaze switches back to Joan. "I want you to leave, and to never come back. You and your husband hurt Brian in so many ways that I'm afraid I won't be able to keep myself from doing something drastic. You made him believe that he's worth less than the dirt beneath your feet. When the opposite is the case. I love him, and I will make sure that he forgets about you and your conditioning." I can see her wavering. "Get out!"

She does, and I'm stunned because no one ever stood up for me like this. No one. "Justin..." I whisper, and I know that there are tears running down my cheeks, but I'm doing nothing to brush them away. "Gods, Justin..." At this moment, I would love for Joan to come back so I could thank her. Thank her for showing up so that I could see... So that I could witness how Justin took her on and ate her alive. He was so angry with her, on my behalf. That's how deep his feelings run, that's how much he loves me. It's still hard for me to wrap my mind around it, but here he is, right by my side, ready to fight for me.

"I love you..." Whoever said that it's getting easier to say the words the more you say them was right. I think it's time I buried the Stud of Liberty Avenue once and for all, cause I don't need him anymore. Just like I don't need to... No, I'm not saying that I'll never fuck another guy. But I won't go out searching for it anymore. Not after today. I can't do that to him. Not when he took on the Warden for me. "I love you," I say again, and bury my head against his chest. "I love you, Justin."